As i finally step into Starbucks again, as i forced myself out of the house and not float down that river; a trap that all pisces have to constantly fight off...
It is then i realise i actually had lost my habit of going to starbucks; unimaginable for a such a big fan of starbucks i am... Not to mention my disconnect from indulging myself into the realm of music...
I suspect in my attempt to appease and keep the failing relationship intact, i dropped my habit and weekly activity of starbucking in exchange of staying at home; either working or simply not going because it would bore my bubbles out...
Unwittingly, this concession deepens my ability to survive independently, resulting in this current pathetic state of loneliness and hopelessness... How did i even get to this state at the first place; i really wonder...
How did me trying to not do an activity i like but that will bore out my gf cause me to end up totally lost when it could have been a refuge...
Music had just again came to rescue to keep me sane; and thus finally able to blog this post.
Somewhere online, i saw this quote: "if you cannot be happy being single, how are you able to be happy in a relationship? If you dun have a life being single, where do you have life to share with the person you love?"
This quote knock one hell of a sense into me. Its right! Really...
I uses to have a life; but as i turn single, i didnt have a life left... Perhaps because in the process of keeping everything rolling; the process of giving up more and more of myself just to keep things intact - i gradually left with nothing in myself; so empty that i have no life of my own to share with my bubbles... Perhaps that why she left. Perhaps quality time dun mean the time together. Perhaps quality time means quality time of my liking that will define me, and give me something to share... This is profound....
Its amazing how little is left of me after this tragedy; how much struggling i have to go thru to find back myself...
Everytime i throw myself into the ocean of music, i have this familiar feeling and deep emotions of old: the old me is coming back slowly - or perhaps a revival of a feeling or experience i used to have in the past that had kept me happy...
Me now: fatter, less charming, poorer, getting older, legs falling apart, emotionally emptier.... Its really no wonder why i am struggling...
Life as Mingji have little mercy when reality is concerned. The pisces fishes drifts in and out of their dreamland and love to swim in their imaginations... But when reality strikes hard, its like the fish is pull out of water and left on land grasping for air...
I must get back to the old me... I cant survive as the current self... I'm literallu dying and saffocating here... ={
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